Posted on February 27, 2011
Writing Is Therapy
Writing for me is therapy. I’m a bit of a loner, in case you did not already figure that out. I have lots of friends and family, but I seem to keep most things to myself.
Men are taught to not show any weakness, as if emotions or honesty would be perceived as being weak. Conversations with other men tend to be about women, sports, women, cars, women, career, women, hunting and of course women. This would explain why I tend to prefer the company of women when it comes time to “talk.”
My mother was a great listener. I could tell her anything without any fear. She was the most loving and forgiving person I have ever known. Because of her, I understood God so much better. I literally could go on a murdering and raping rampage and she would still throw her arms around me and tell me that she loved me. Our relationship was always fun, honest and completely uninhibited.
My ex entered my life about the time I lost my mother. In a similar way we had a very honest relationship. She knew things about me that nobody else will ever know. It was actually a pretty smooth transition from my mother to her.
When I was single again, my Father did his best to fill that void. I have always had tremendous love and respect for my Father. But we never quite had that connection that I had with my Mother. Maybe because we were both men, or something else, but I kept many things from him and I’m not sure why.
He was a very perceptive man. He knew when I was happy or when something was wrong. I think I’m a pretty good actor, but he could see through my performances. Our relationship improved over the years and I am at peace about where we were when he left.
For the first time though, I found myself really missing him. You see I received some news yesterday that really hurt. It was nothing malicious and what it was really does not matter, but it opened a wound that I thought was healed long ago.
You may not believe in God or the devil. But let me assure you, they are both real. Satan is a mean SOB. He knows exactly where to attack to cause the most pain and destruction. His preferred battlefield is your mind and emotions, and he will use other people sometimes as proxies. That was the case yesterday.
I forgave my ex years ago and have forgotten everything. We must forgive if we expect to receive forgiveness ourselves. And if you claim you have forgiven someone, but say you will never forget, you really haven’t forgiven them. To forgive means to wipe the slate clean. It is an act of will, a decision that is made for good. If you are expecting some form of restitution, or for the offender to do something for you, your forgiveness is actually for sale. And that will not cut it.
So Sunday afternoon, after a fantastic Saturday and a very productive Sunday, I was on top of the world. And then the devil tried to bring me down. I was going to share what happened, but it is so ridiculously stupid I am ashamed to even admit that I took offense. But I wrestled with it for a couple of hours before finally letting it go.
I’m not sure where this blog is going. It seems now I’m just rambling. Hopefully someone out there is getting a chuckle or is being helped in some way by my words. If not, thanks for listening anyway.
In a totally unrelated train of thought, I have always enjoyed a good hug. My mother was a hugger, but my Father was more “dignified.” I was somewhat conflicted, but then decided I prefer the hugging.
The touch of another human can sometimes mean so much more than words. During my Father’s final days, I got to spend a whole lot of time with my 4 year old niece Rebekah (or Bekah). Now just so you know, my two nieces are the most beautiful nieces in the world. And Rebekah is at that adorable age where she thinks her uncle is the greatest thing ever.
Most kids have a fear of strangers or bigger people. Fear can be a bad thing, but caution can save your life. We don’t see each other often, so she was hesitant at first, but before long she was on my lap, with her hands around my neck and fast asleep on her big “teddy bear.” My other niece used to do that, but now that she is in her 20s, some people might find that creepy.
My uncles were all kind of “dignified” or just plain scary. Children are very perceptive, so its good that she felt safe and loved around me. Most people seem to be intimidated by my size – which in some situations is a good thing. But thankfully, I’m a hit with the kids. So I got that going for me!
Originally published March 2009.